Once upon a time there lived a wild-eyed tomboy with a hidden girlie side, who dreamed of one day meeting the man of her dreams and having a beautiful wedding. She would stand in the bedroom she shared with her nana with the net curtain attached to the window draped over her head pretending it was a veil, her teddies the guests and the fake flowers her nana kept on the windowsill her bouquet.

When she was 18 she met the man of her dreams. He turned out to be a dick. The end.

Lets try again.

Once upon a time there lived a fair maiden who continued to put her heart on the line time and time again till she noticed a startling pattern….95% of the time, she  attracted the wrong guy.

Why she asked her herself after each heart-break, why did she keep falling for the wrong man, what was wrong with her?

Was it her destiny to die alone surrounded by cats with only the voices in her head to keep her company?

She pondered this depressing cat woman fantasy elaborating it more and more within her mind until she had become the crazy cat lady who sat on her porch in her rocking chair, shouting abuse at those that dared walk by. The neighbourhood kids were all to scared to walk by her home so instead ran by, scared the crazy old lady would come out and eat them (they heard she was a witch who cooked kids for kicks!)

This fantasy continued until one day our heroine pulled herself out of her depressing cat infested future, she gave herself a mental slap in the face and realised it wasn’t actually her. Granted our heroine may not have been perfect, however she deserved better, and after reflecting back on her numerous dating disasters she created:

10 lessons I learned from dating douchebags

1. Lesson One – Never Change To Suit Someone Else

How many times have you embarked on a new relationship when suddenly you develop a new personality, you love the things they love (even though you previously hated them) and you give up your passions to do what they want all the time. It’s ok, we’ve all done it.

I once dated a guy who loved politics, I hate that shit with a burning passion that knows no bounds, it bores me, irritates me and angers me all at the same time. Yet suddenly I was a vivid fan, discussing the antics of these condescending morons (not all politicians are I’m sure, but those with the loudest voices I had to listen too sure as shit were) I spent months of my life that I’ll never get back, talking utter shite about a topic I detested, I didn’t even recognise myself.

Lesson Learned: The right person will love you just as you are. (yep, even when you’re being bat shit crazy!)

 

2. Lesson Two – Never Compromise On Your Values and Beliefs

We all have values and beliefs that are a deep-seated part of us, they may not always be the most helpful (anyone for a large cup of self sabotage with a side serve of hate?) However they are what shape us and makes us us. We all have some really good beliefs that make us the wonderful person we are today, so why do we compromise these for another person?

Prime example, I dated a guy who for the first few dates was wonderful, caring, funny, hot. I was quite excited for date number three, dinner and well who’s know’s what else! So off I go and meet him at the restaurant all dressed up with my nicest underwear on, hint hint nudge nudge.

Everything is going great, he’s still funny – check, hot – check and saying all the right things – check, three ticks of approval…. until the waitress comes over.

First she drops the menu and then spills his drink, his response is to belittle her, my hot man suddenly has an ugly side and I find it very unattractive. However once the waitress goes, he’s back to being my lovely man and I find myself brushing his behaviour to one side, justifying it even. Luckily for me, the waitress comes back with our meals, she’s understandably nervous by this point  poor girl, so proceeds to nearly drop my dinner on me. I laugh it off and tell her its ok, flashing a reassuring smile, she smiles back and my date tells her she’s useless and he should report her to the manager. Are you kidding me dickhead?

Lesson Learned: I believe you should treat others how you want to be treated, so when douchebag was belittling the waitress, that showed me the type of values and beliefs he has. What’s to say I wouldn’t have ended up on the other end of that belittling tone one day? Don’t ever compromise on your beliefs, your are unique and wonderful, don’t change that for anyone.

 

3. Lesson Three – Don’t Let Anyone Treat You Like Crap

Why oh why do we get into a relationship and let the other person treat us like shit?! It’s like we suddenly lose all self-respect and self-worth. What the fuck? It’s a mystery that is more than likely to do with our own lack of self-love but I’ll save that for lesson 10.

The point is, we all do it, no matter what age, culture, education level, class or sex, we let people we love and care about treat us badly. Now this topic should really get its own blog post because it applies to so many areas of our lives, not just dating douchebags, so I’ll only briefly touch on it for now.

The first guy I dated after I left my husband was, in my eyes at the time, my soul mate. We had a whirlwind romance, fell head over heels in love, declaring our forever love to each other after just two weeks. I was smitten, he was handsome, good in bed, funny and I loved him with all my heart.

For the first few months it was amazing, I felt true bliss, but as with every high there’s always a low waiting to surface and mind did in dramatic fashion. He became rude, disrespectful (took another woman home and told me about it!) Wouldn’t turn up, took money from me, didn’t call me back and treated me appalling, yet I loved him so I let it happen.

I found myself losing a little bit more of my confidence each day as he continued to behave like a totally douche for another 3 weeks, then he dumped me, apparently he wanted to be a bachelor and go out drinking with his mates all the time. I was heartbroken, my true love story, the man who I’d found happiness with after the horror I’d been through with my ex broke me. The worst part was I let him do it.

Lesson Learned: No person, no matter if there your lover, mother, brother, colleague, baker, butcher or candle stick maker has the right to treat you like crap. You are a unique amazing person, stand up for your self-worth, say no and don’t let anyone ever bring you down.

 

4. Lesson Four – If He Can’t Make An Effort At The Start, He Never Bloody Will

In the beginning of a relationship both parties should be putting in they’re A game, this is about impressing the other person and making them see your awesome self in all its glory. Its time to be a peacock and parade your beautiful feathers to make them look at you with awe whilst simultaneously declaring in a Facebook status that you’re the best thing since sliced bread.

If their not willing to give their A game now, they never will. You are worth their A game, in fact you deserve their A+ game, don’t accept anything less.

I met a guy, he was lovely, not overly my type, had a hell of a lot of teeth however he was kind, nice and attentive, he seemed at first glance to be giving his A game. He said the right thing, sent me messages, phoned, asked about my kids and was present, yet I wasn’t a priority.

Granted it was early days, but to me once you commit to dating with a view to seeing where its going (not casual dating, I’m talking having that exclusive talk but not quite yet at the relationship status type dating point) then you prioritize this person in your life. After all how can you build something if you don’t see them as potentially an important part of your future? Anyway, long story short, despite his 80% effort, it wasn’t his A game, it was his B game at most and I don’t ever want to settle as only being worth someones B game.

Lesson Learned: How someone treats you at the beginning of a relationship (and how they treat others) is a huge indication of who they are as a person. Watch learn and if they aren’t meeting your expectations, reflecting your values and self-worth, they aren’t worth wasting your time, energy and emotions on. Walk away, I guarantee you won’t regret it.

 

5. Lesson Five – If He Isn’t In Touch With You, He Ain’t Interested

This is such a common one, we meet someone, it’s going great, suddenly they stop being in touch as much, you find yourself being the one initiating contact and always trying to keep you together. It’s like we put on blinkers, our tunnel vision only lets us see whats in front of us the person we want to be with, not whats going on on the sidelines, their losing interest, they don’t respect you enough to walk away so they just reduce contact.

There once was a man, we’ll call him Gary, he seemed very interested and keen, constantly texting and making an effort to find out how I was. I was initially guarded, by this point I’d be on the douchebag train for some time and my spidey senses were on high alert, however he was a persistent man and I found my wall coming down, I emotionally gave myself over to him, believing I’d found something potentially wonderful and then he backed the fuck off.

Morning texts stopped, didn’t ask how I was, spoke only about himself and I found myself having to chase him! This continued for a few weeks, me putting in all the effort till he uttered the fatal line…. it wasn’t me, it was him, he just wasn’t sure what he wanted and so another chunk of my self-worth went down the metaphorical toilet.

Lesson Learned: Its time to wake the fuck up, if the object of your affections isn’t making an effort, get them to fuck. Walk away, your better than that and deserve to be treated that way.
I case you haven’t guessed, that wild-eyed tomboy at the start of part one, who dreamed of a perfect wedding whilst wearing a net curtain over her head, that was still attached to the curtain pole, was me dear reader. I really did love that net curtain!

I hope you’ve enjoyed part one and make sure to check back next Monday for part two for the lessons i learned from dating the wrong guy.

Comment below if you too have ever paraded around with a curtain on your head or indeed dated the wrong guy both are topics close to my heart, and don’t forget to subscribe to my email list to get part two of the 10 lessons i learned from dating the wrong guy direct to your inbox.

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Until next week, love and hugs,

naomi boyd confidence builder

 

 

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