The Busy Woman’s Guide To Letting Go Of The Past
This week I had planed to write about manifesting and how to attract what you want into your life, however when I logged into do some maintenance of my site on yesterday I found a comment waiting for me that was very harsh, critical, shaming and hurtful.
It was in response to my 10 lessons blog post and I can only assume from the contents of it, that it was posted by someone who knows me as it referred to a mistake I made 6 years ago when I was married.
The comment floored me. I was devastated
I cried for hours, feeling myself sink back to the person I was all those years ago, that girl with no self-worth who did some stupid things to feel loved and wanted because she didn’t know how to value herself. Because she had no self-respect.
I felt like a fraud
How could I start my dream business, a site that would inspire and support women to be themselves and live a life they loved when I had hurt people, and judging by the contents of the comment made, I still was.
I doubted myself after reading that comment, I stepped back into the default setting of self hating, a coping strategy I’d used for years to hate and blame myself for everything I did. I cried myself to sleep that night full of uncertainty, a feeling of loneliness filled me, one that only those who have hated themselves could possibly understand.
As I drove to work today, I reflected back on my life since that fateful mistake 6 years ago
I screwed up, I disrespected the very values and beliefs I hold dear, I hurt others with no regard for them because I was too busy in my selfish bubble to see the effect it would have on anyone else, including my own children. I have lived with that everyday for the past 6 years.
I never intentionally set out to hurt anyone. Never was any of my actions from a place of hate or hurt. It was like I became oblivious to all logic thought, in hindsight, it was how I chose to cope with life at that time.
Through the process of reflection I looked at my life since and I realised that I wasn’t the same person I was 6 years ago, I’d learned from my mistakes, my experiences and grown as a person. I’d channelled all my hurt and pain into bettering myself and helping others.
With this perspective clear in my mind, I was reminded of the 4 step process I’ve taught myself and others over the years to help move forward. I wanted to share this with you, in the hope that you too may find it helpful when trying to move forward.
1. Take Responsibility For Your Life
When we screw up and do something wrong we often find a way to blame someone else, a situation, experience, our past, there is always a reason. This is wrong.
Yep our past’s can suck at times. For over 20 years I experienced a rollercoaster ride of a life and could easily blame most of the stupid shit I’ve done on the abuse I’ve suffered, mental illness, grief & the barriers I’ve faced. However where does that get me. I continue to blame others and the anger, the hurt, it still remains with me. I’m the one still suffering.
We are 110% responsible for our own lives and that includes the past and how we choose to think about it
Some things in my past were out of my control. I didn’t ask to be beat almost daily by my step-mother, however I have the choice in how I move forward, I can choose if I let the pain and suffering define me. I accept the responsibility for my own life and the person I choose to be each day
I chose to be better than my past. I choose to be me
2. Forgive Those Who Have Wronged You
As with taking responsibility, you have a choice whether your forgive others for wronging you or not. I could choose to hate those who hurt me, to continue to see them as spiteful, evil and villainize them at every opportunity I get.
But how does that help me?
I end up consumed by anger and hatred. That’s not the person I want to be. I choose instead to forgive them. Now forgiveness doesn’t mean I agree with them, it doesn’t mean I condone their behaviour in any way shape or form, I don’t seek out excuses to justify their actions.
What I do is forgive them for making me feel this way and release the negativity so it no longer weighs heavy on me. I choose not to see them as the person who hurt me, I choose to see them as someone who is just a person and who doesn’t have that power or hold over me anymore.
3. Always Forgive Yourself
This step is key in moving forward from our pasts. Often when people are talking to us about forgiveness it’s always in relation to forgiving someone else which yes, we need to do, however we also need to forgive ourselves. We need to forgive ourselves for our feelings, our hurt, our anger, pain and anxiety.
We need to forgive ourselves for allowing these negative feelings to control and consume us
We also need to forgive ourselves if theses feelings ever resurface in the future. Accept, Acknowledge and Release these thoughts, they are of no benefit to you. Forgive yourself for feeling anger, hurt and hate towards someone and know that the pain can only hurt you if you allow it too.
4. Live In The Present And Stop Focusing On The Past
No one has a time machine which means the past can’t be changed so why dwell on it. At the end of the day we all make mistakes, we hurt others, we hurt ourselves, we do and say things that we can’t change but to dwell on that, to let it consume and guide who we are and shape who we want to be, well the only person we end up hurting is ourselves.
Choose to let it go because when you hold on to those negative feelings the only person it’s hurting is you and you deserve so much better than that
After I did the 4 step process on my drive to work, I began to feel stronger. I stopped the self hate and forgave myself for feeling that way.
I choose to take responsibility for my actions, for the choices I’ve made, which were all made with my own free will. These choices may not always have been right but they have helped me grow, I’ve learned from my mistakes, my experiences and my wins. Each has helped make me the person I am today.
I apologise if knowing I have made mistakes in my past and hurt others offends you and I understand if you think the worst of me and choose never to read anything I write again, I did something very wrong therefore I respect your decision. However I made a promise to myself that I would always be open and honest with my readers. I can’t change my past and I wont lie about it.
I can only hope that you choose to see not the person that I was all them years ago, but the person I am now
Today I am good person, I’m not perfect, I still screw up on occasion and probably always will. I self-doubt at times but I also accept that and continue to move forward. No ones perfect, everyone has moments of doubt, but it’s in those moments that we find our true strength.
I decide to be vulnerable and write this blog post because I want to help others. If learning from my mistakes helps inspire even just one person to move forward from their past, then I’ll be happy.
I hope you continue to read my blog as I would love to keep sharing with you, not only my journey to finding my self-worth, but also ways you can too. However if you choose not too then I wish you all the best in every area of your life. Until next time.
Love and Gratitude,